Vocabulary guide:
ASD = Autism spectrum disorder(s)
NT= Neurotypical, i.e. NOT autistic, i.e. "normal"
So one of the hellish aspects of Asperger’s syndrome that’s been a constant in my life, and something that makes relationships with NTs dicey at best is a recurring pattern dynamic set in repeating motion by my impoverished ability to read social cues or “take a hint”, “catch a clue”, etc. I don’t do “subtle”. I have to be told directly and explicitly what I’m doing wrong and what specifically you want me to do or not do anymore. It requires an NT to sometimes feel they have to be more blunt and artless than they’re really comfortable with and that they’d never want to do to each other. Some might even dub it “cruel to be kind”; more correctly it’s “Firm & direct to be kind”. But it’s part of autism acceptance. It’s much better than the passive-aggressive alternative that usually plays out, where an increasingly frustrated NT or group of NTs keep dropping little hints of their displeasure that the Aspie completely misreads or misses altogether. The Aspie sails happily along, none the wiser that the actual relationship is “going south”, “tanking”, etc. Until one day the Aspie does that one thing that gets on the NTs’ one last nerve and they suddenly blow up angrily at the Aspie. While the NT feels vindicated, that this was something long overdue they need to settle once and for all…from their point of view their attempts at polite subtlety and diplomacy have been deliberately ignored and shat upon (the reality is, these attempts have simply been ineffectual and were the wrong tac, because the message was never correctly received & apprehended), so now it’s time to take the gloves off and use bare knuckles, metaphorically speaking (and if one were dealing with a fellow NT who is simply an uncaring asshole, who got all the hints and willfully disregarded them, this could even be the right call; but it's tragically misplaced when directed at an ASD person). From the Aspie’s point of view, this moment usually arrives while they are blissfully happy and completely unaware anything is wrong. From their vantage point, they’re suddenly attacked, seemingly out of the blue, by someone they thought was a friend, or at least a good acquaintance with whom they seemed to be on good terms, downright copacetic. It completely floors them. When the displeasure is finally made explicit, along with a tone of vehement nastiness, sometimes only then do the escalating hints, etc. become clear, i.e. only in 20x20 hindsight, and the Aspie berates himself, feels like an idiot for not picking up on it the first time, which compounds his misery in the midst of dealing with suddenly being under psychological assault without warning and the feeling of shocked betrayal.
To one who lives long enough, an Aspie will see this pattern recur in his life over and over. It’s exceedingly unpleasant and fills one with a sense of dread and tension in one’s day to day dealings with NTs. One enters into relationship with a pervasive feeling of dread and fear, always wondering how long it will take before the pattern repeats again, before the seemingly inevitable rejection and betrayal strike again. Whether in personal relations with those immediately around us, or more long distance, mediated relationships online, such as being a fan of something like a podcast or blog, the fear and dread are the same. The constant fear of ridicule and rejection, dialed up to 11, the knot in the stomach. Eventually, though, one calms down, lowers one’s guard, and lets their Aspie weirdness fly. Sometimes one does find genuine acceptance, for a time. If one is really lucky, it lasts. But just as often as not, it doesn’t, one becomes "too much" or "too intense" for one's NT interlocutor and the above pattern rears its ugly head and history repeats itself, and just as suddenly the Aspie is all alone again, rejected, reviled, and on one’s own—again. One is left questioning if relationships with NTs are ever worth it, if so many of them only wind up crashing & burning and leaving one scarred and hurt, over and over, because of a failure of understanding, or simple laziness and apathy towards the challenges of autism, a disregard for the struggles of ASD people.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Japanese cartoons to watch with which to console myself. Good day.
